The summer after Casey was born, 2004, I went to the mall to buy a few new things for myself. It was about 11 months postpartum and I wanted some jeans, and maybe a skirt or a t shirt. I went to the Gap, because they had some really cool full skirts in the window, kind of '50's looking, and I was intrigued. I knew that Gap's things, when not on clearance, could be expensive, but I was going to maybe get one skirt.
I looked on the racks, and they were number-sizes, not SML, XL. So I grabbed a 16 and an 18, which was the biggest size in the store. (Gap online has 20. Apparently if you go online, you are allowed to be one size fatter. Silly, huh?)
If these sizes sound "big", or "small", here's a little perspective: I was a 14 when I got married, and I was normal-to-thin. A men's medium or large. I am 6 foot one, built more like a 2-Liter bottle than the typical pear or apple choices.
So, I also grabbed a few tank tops to try on with the skirt in the dressing room, just to make a cute little "outfit" in which to gauge the skirt by. I grabbed XL and XXL tank tops. Off I traipsed, to have a fun little moment with my potential new clothes!
Then, reality shone its oft-cruel light upon me and my crusty mirror.
I couldn't zip the skirt. Not even close. the 18. Wow.
The tank top was nasty--my whole stomach was showing, and it fit like something made for my then 7 year old daughter. Short and thin and w-r-o-n-g. Big armholes, so my bra and fat arms were all flailing out--it was really really outrageous how unflattering this whole scene was.
What only moment ago I had thought was going to be so breezy and darling, was so, so not.
I then did what momentarily sounded familiar and comforting, something I have done time and time again since I got to be this tall in 7th grade: I went back out and went into the men's section. I grabbed a huge sweatshirt, a huge rugby shirt, and some guy's jeans. Screw these slut clothes, I tried to tell myself. I am a mom, I need to be comfortable, I tried to tell myself.
I put on the huge, heavy men's clothing--and the dark, stiff jeans. (Remember it was July and I have a very, very low tolerance for heat) I looked like I have usually looked my whole life--like a big bulky gangsta guy with a girl head, with too big clothes on that were for the wrong season.
I was at a crossroads. Sweaty, hot, pissed, sad, frustrated, disappointed, confused, I could either cry or get it together. Miracle of miracles, I chose to get it together! I quietly took all the stuff, the skirts, the tanks, the jeans, and the huge heavy men's shirts all out to the dressing room attendant lady.
"How did it all work out for ya?" she asked.
"I am officially too fat for The Gap, and I need to go buy some running shoes instead", I told her with not a sulk--but a genuine smile.
And that's just what I did. I got a pair of New Balance sneakers, and a pair of "yoga pants" instead ($6 from old navy!) and went home.
I started walking the next day. At first my legs burned, just from the way that I was walking. But I could walk much farther within a week, with no pain! Soon after, and I mean really soon after, I was walking for up to 2 hours, all around the town!
This kept up into the fall and even holiday cookies and meals didn't do anything to stop my new found weight loss. I bought 2 new pairs of jeans, and those immediately became loose. I swore I was not going to weigh myself, but I did, over at my mom's house, and I had lost 28 pounds by week 11.
I got pregnant with Charlie in January, and that was that.
Some Mamas can keep it all going when they are pregnant. I've known them personally. I think it all seems dynamic and positive and four times I swore "this time will be all different"
and then,
as likely as one is to go on a jog during the lowest lows of a food poisoning attack,
came the puking. and the fatigue. Ten sleeping pills during your food poisoning attack. and the sore boobs. (Is sore possibly a strong enough word? how about please don't tap your foot anywhere by me cause that hurts my whole chest?)
Add to the beautiful little flower that is "Joy while pregnant"--the fact that one of the top triggers to my nausea and vomiting and dry gagging was--get this-- cold air breathed in through my mouth!! Not kidding! Remember it was January? Yep.
So out the door went the walking. My baby was due in late October and I was HUGE by June. Yeah. With a 12 pound kid brewing in there, he could have weighed 7 pounds by then , who knows? Anyhow, that's my story. I had a c section, etc, and here I am today. I got on track to fitness and felt great and strong a few years ago and I can do it again. But this time, I am gonna run.
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9 comments:
Very inspirational!
I can't imagine you "like a big bulky gangsta guy with a girl head, with too big clothes on that were for the wrong season."
I'm so inspired. Okay, I think I'm gonna go out for a quick walk tonight! :-)
Good for you! I am 5'10" and size 11 feet. I am built like a linebacker with big nursing tits! I feel some of your pain. I cannot run. But I dream of an indoor bike to ride at night when the littles are asleep so I can lose this extra 30 lbs (or more). Us tall girls have a hard time anyway. Thank god longer shirts have come back in style.
I hope yoU can find some cute clothes to fit your new bod next spring.
Erin
I am really happy that this came out as inspirational and not negative. I know all about the socio-politics of even using the word "fat" and I toyed with the idea of saying "curvy" or "full figured", etc.
For me, its ok. Because I am ok with calling stuff what it is. This is a positive thing for me, and not a self hate thing. I know what size range I feel healthy at and what I do not.
Trish, thanks for saying you cant picture me like that, but really it is true :)
Erin, I could write a pile of posts just about how sucky it was when my size 10 feet went to 11. Although the stores are carrying more 11's and the longer shirts have thankfuly come back into availability it still is hard!
I do not know if I will be able to run with the boobage that I have been blessed with, lol, but there are some very impressive jogging bras online that (almost) go to my size, so we'll see. Title Nine goes to DDD, maybe I will snoot around on the web someday soon. I dont have 60 bucks for that right now, and will probably be walking for quite a while. I just remember that feeling of running from when I was a teenager and I miss it.
I did run after Charlie semi recently, "full blast" and I lived! He was barrelling towards the parking lot at homeschool park day, and he really was gonna get hit by a car. Yikes!
It's even more depressing in France. I am normally a size 10-12/Medium. Over there, I wear the largest (or sometimes second-to-largest) size in every store! You see all these tiny skinny little slips of women walking around and boy does it do a number on your self-esteem.
Well, they wouldn't know what to do with me in France ;)
But you know what? I had a Danish friend, who brought back the most gorgeous wool sweater from Denmark--we shared it, it was huge, we had to roll the sleeves up and it was almost like a dress--it was a Medium.
Oh, can I sympathize with you. I remember going and buying clothes after Matt was born. I cried when I had to buy the size 14 jeans. Now, please keep in mind that I was TINY before I got married and started having kids. I was a size 6 when we got married, so this whole size 14 thing was a total shock. I stayed there until Matt was over a year-and-a-half old. I have pictures where I look 5 months pregnant, and it was 6 months BEFORE I got pregnant again. The only way I got it off was training for that marathon.
I am so impressed with how matter-of-factly you told this story. I think fatness if often a part of motherhood, and we can either accept it, or fight back. (I hope I didn't just offend a ton of people. I really didn't mean to.) I've done both, but I prefer fighting back. I feel better, and that makes me a nicer mommy.
You go, girl!
Wow, I gag when cold air hits the inside of my mouth too, I thought I was the only one! Good luck with that running thing, I am certain my own breasts would kill me if I started running again but I just found out that we'll be in Vermont soon so there could be some awesome hiking to be had! I wish i had an exercise buddy to walk with!
I am SO happy to be able to tell stories like this matter of factly and not play all into the guilt and shame b.s. that women are "suppossed to" be consumed by. I know all too well about post partum jeans-buying--it feels so cool to be in normal pants again but try not to look at that size tag.
I wish I could hike in Vermont with you, CreepyUCMama :)
Hey, check your email too...I'll be kind of sort of near you this weekend. =)
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