steppin' out

Ohh boy, after a day like yesterday, I needed to get outta dodge, for sure, so what did I do? I cracked outta here the second Steve got home---well, not the second he got home, because since he is a Sexy Chef now, I ate his spaghetti with homemade sauce, willingly, but THEN, I cracked out. Bye!





So I got in the Volvo, which I have always dubbed "Christine", in reference to the movie about the possesed evil car with a mind of its own. True to her name, Christine did do dome wierd stuff to me like not let me change the radio station, but she does have heated seats and my booty was cold! So that was really never more appreciated. I went to Barnes and Noble, since the delicious and filling spaghetti squelched my plans of getting a little secret treat, I got a fancy coffee and a stack of books and magazines and plunked myself down in a biiiiig soft chair. Ahhhhh is there anything much better to do for free on a Tuesday night, honestly?


I read until I came back into my body and felt a deep disconcerting paranoia that they must surely be closed by now, but they weren't. I read until my eyes went wavy. I read a dirty art book, Mothering magazine, OK magazine, BUST! magazine, and a book about how kids dont go outside enough. I read a bit of Bitch magazine but had to decide which I must buy and which i must simply love and leave. Since my sister paid me for the babysitting I was feelin flush and got both BUST! and Mothering.


They are SPECTACULAR issues, both of them. Mothering is my lifeline, my "people", my tribe, and this issue was just another glorious example of why. Mainstream parenting mags make me as sad and worried for new parents as the What-To-Expect books do......yikes yikes yikes!
This issue had everything from 2 kick-ass articles about homebirth from a skeptical-dads' point of view, an in-depth explanation of how to wear you baby in all these different types of carriers, fanatstic soup recipes for Steve to make us, and more! LOVE it.

this issue of BUST! had Gwen Stefani on the cover, whom I have been very mixed about. I liked her back in the day, but always felt that No Doubt was one small (but critical!) age-group younger than I was in, and that it was more my little sister's music. Their songs were catchy, and I liked her clothes kind of.... but then I thought she was gettin a bit cheesy and I DESPISE her new look, as I am vehemently against all 1980's throwback afshion and am quietly waiting this terrifying trend out. The 80's are the ugliets thing that ever happened toi mankind, and to revive it is just tragic. Gorgeous young girls looking like white trashers on purpose, it makes me cringe....jean skirts and leggings and gold mesh earrings....nasty nasty disgusting....makes me absolutely vomit. Gag me with a spoon ; )


So anyhow I read the G. Stefani interview and I like her again. They way she described her family growing up made me feel so happy. BUST! rocks, I have read it since it was a stapled together 'zine in Beth's basement, printed on a little home printer. I have the book of the girls who created BUST! and it is just always so sassy-kewl. they have a big interview with Kim and Thurston from SonicYouth, which was of course fantastical, and so much more. The ads in the back alone are worth twice the cover price. Anyone wanna borrow my copy when I am through with it is welcome. You won't be let down!






So I got outta the bookstore (sure am saying outta alot, huh?) with my 2 profoundly good magazines, and was happy to see that the pigs didn't give me a ticket even though I was waaay past my meter. I drove to Meijers and bought some grocery necessities to see us through the rest of the week. I put 4 bucks in Christine so Stevie wouldn't have to in the cold. I came home with a decent chunk of money still left, and a great new stride in my step. I Went Out and I had a blast! just me myself and I.

welcome to seattle

oooh i got it so bad today, a complete freak out of the old-school Joy order: I wanna move. I wanna move out of the state. I want to get outta dodge. I want to run run run runrun.... is it winter fever? is it having no car and sitting in this house with no dryer and poo and pee covered clothes from various little ones piling up as fast as towels, washcloths and jeans are, as fast as quilts, snowpants and throw rugs are, as I struggle not to call the landlord again and SCREAM at him again, I NEED A FRICKING DRYER. (I spoke to him today and he said You can get a dryer for like 100 bucks, They arent expensive at all!) nice. I had no idea money bought things, what a genius he is!

I hang and hang clothes but they do not dry well, it takes over a day, they are hard and stale. Why not go to the landromat? Because I dont have a free day to sit and wait for the dryers. We do not have a bunch of spare time. We do not even have a family car right now.

So I freak out. I picture what city I should click on on employmentguide.com, or monster.com---and what comes to my mind when I try to pick a city for us to live in? Seattle. Portland. Toronto.Vancouver. SanFran. London?

Me and the children, walking down main street, thats what. This is the ESSENCE of Joy: THIS is what I want to do with my life. I know the grown up lesson here is to do it in my own town, but hey its my blog, my fantasy....I would be so dangerous if I had money, we would travel the live long day, just traveling and traveling---and so you see, being truly without transport is maybe sadder for me than others. all we can do is wait until we have some money and then get our van looked at and then pay to fix it or hear that it will be too expensive to fix and deal with that.

I want to be out and about with lots of children. I want to go to places with them. I want to go to Ann Arbor hands on museum, cafes, parks, this is what I "do", in my mind's eye. Picture this scenario that I pictured as I clicked "seattle" while trying to find a dealership job for Steve online today: I have a stroller, perhaps a double stroller, we are jaunting down main street, (fashionable wind in our hair).... Greta and Mickey are skipping up ahead, we are all heading towards our fun meeting of some sort, homeschoolers, or LaLecheLeague, or veggiepals, whathave you. Because in Washington I would mysteriously make friends???? I digress.

We would thus have complete outfits on, and be clean and looking good, put together. We would meet up with my awesomely cool Mom friends and their great kids. Of course, COFFEE would be involved, as well as organic impressive snacks from Trader Joes and local markets. I would remember the hand sanitizer and the chapsticks. We'd be livin large.

We would spend the best parts of the day out and about like this, perhaps meeting up with Dada at 5 for dinner in the park of some sort, perhaps with our musician friends? IS THIS CRAZY? I DON'T THINK IT IS! But it is so far from where I am right now.

No car. Its not cool. I have had enough. I really am getting super sad. When it first broke I had little visions of aww darn, cant go to Kroger--but wait a minute! WE cant go ANYWHERE, not even on the weekends. Our other car doesnt have enough seats for us. So NO outings whatsoever. No COSI. No Mall. No Nature Center. No visiting pals. NOTHING. No Library. I want to scream!
My big magic wardrobe? I havebeen wearing fleece pants for 2 weeks straight. I look like I weigh 350 in them but who cares? I am not going anywhere, right? The kids need good memories of my giant ass to traumatize them, its a basic foundation of any decent childhood, I say.
Did I mention I want a goddamn car?

I hope we get a big tax return. I hope we can put lots of it in savings, lots of it into fixing the van or getting a new van, and I also secretly hope for a jogging stroller so I can go on walks with a baby or two---we have no sidewalks on most of the streets around here, and you can't push a stroller, it is SO hard, the wheels get all jammed, it is horrible. If I had a nice jogging stroller with bike tires, I could walk and feel happy and lose weight and go places. We also need lots of money to wrap up all that was involved in leaving our old house, as well as tons of miscellaneous little bills that we have piled up in some box in our bedroom.
I am dreaming, we arent gonna get that much money. But it sure would be cool. five grand, thats all I want---hee hee---see I am simplistic and non capitalist, huh?

Otherwise, I do not know how anything is gonna change. I hate that money has that power, but it is what it is, our universal currency, and I understand for the most part.
So, I guess moving away would not be the key to making mom friends. I am sure they are right here in town. I have several women i could call today and set up a playdate with, but i always have a reason why i cant, dont want to, or something. Usually someone is sick. Then we have no car. Then the house is a disaster and we have no snacks to feed guests. Then we have no proper outfits cause the dryer. arggggg there are about 5 days a year i feel llike i have it all together enough to warrant daytime company.

Perhaps it is trauma from visits in my past, judgmental non understanding people i have invited into the sanctity of my real mommytime home and it didnt go well. I need to get honest with myself and try to recall which of these bad visits were my mom or mother in law (who many years ago used to come over to visit me, but unfortunately were so involved in snooting around with the white glove-tests that they wouldn't know a precious, poignant moment, a potentially great afternoon if it hit them in the face, sadly) and which were true mom friends.

I cant wait until spring, at the very least we can walk to this one park by us. If we get no car we could go walking. In the mud. No, I will be optimistic and say it will stop precipitating! sigh. im sorry. i cant drum it up today.

Ugg!

I get it now, the whole deal with people who love WOOL.

To me, before the boots, wool was something sort of itchy and expensive and nice looking. Me and the family went to a "wool festival"a few years back which confirmed what I thought, that wool is lovely and expensive, a true old fashioned wonderful sort of a thing, with afficianados in the parenting world in the way of wool diaper covers and wool for warmth, wool fleeces to lay babies on, and wool in the world of nature-buffs in the way that it is a natural fiber, they dont kill the animals, many small family farms can sustain themselves on wool raising, it lasts forever, stuff like that.
But this past weekend, I really get it now with the wool thing. You see, I got a pair of boots from a thrift store that were brand new, unworn, wool-lined, ugly as all get out, but I am in love! Love, I tell you! They are definately suppossed to be fake Uggs, if you know about Uggs. But instead of being that light beige color that the cool Uggs from 3 (4?) years ago were, these are like a warm carmely color. Uggs are about 100 dollars and people say they are the most comfortable thing they ever wore. I read the tabloids, yessiree, I go to the long line on purpose at Kroger just to catch up, Im not ashamed--and I read all about the celebs saying that you wear them (Uggs) barefoot, as wool has all these natural properties that prevent ANY bacterial growth---no stinky feet, no sweaty feet! The trend started when folks wore them on the slopes of Aspen or what have you (well not ON the slopes, but probably in the chalet haha) and then it was just cool to wear them. Huge things, almost moon-boots. Ghastly. Comfy. I knew I wanted some in a way, but too much money. Now Uggs has all sorts of other popular styles beyond that big beige moon boot, but who cares, they are too expensive.

I ramble. Back to my fake Uggs. They have no brand on them anywhere. I dont know what propelled me to slip them on in the thrift store. But when I did, POOF! Huh? This is a legitamate shoe? This feels like some insane slipper with a big Garfield head on it from like 6th grade christmas! I think I need these! But they are so hideous! I look like....a cowboy? A Rodeo person? Napoleon? Well all I know is POOF felt soooo good---So I bought them, becasue I need boots, mostly. I havent owned a pair of boots since before I was married, and the few times I have to walk in deep snow I have just worn shoes and gotten over it! Rediculous, right?

Once I got home, I did the barefoot thing. My foot started to get warm, warmer, hot! But not sweaty! Warm dry heat--it is so crazy. They do not smell! I wear them all day now, I put them on at 7am and take them off at 10 pm or later! Fresh and soft and I am HOOKED. I want wool socks wool tights wool blankets and wool underwear. I want a wool hat and wool mittens! I want wool flip-flops (they make them! very dorm room looking but hey I dig that)

Wool is cool in my book.

as always, hair

So, I am growing my hair. I am growing it super long. I say this and then it looks super ugly and I cut it. But this time is different and I'll tell you why: I am getting to be an old house fairy! A little bit old...I feel that I don't have too many years left in which I will not be a complete fool if I have long hair in two braids with baby-bangs. UNLESS...I get this look right now and just stick with it! THEN i will be Joy That One Girl With The Long Long Hair In Those Braids, you know, the one who always has it green, blue, purple, she has had her hair like that FOREVER, I cant imagine it any other way...

See?

So right now, it is dyed dark brown, the bottom is hopelessly shaggy and screwed up, but I put it into two little tiny ponytails. I have little bangs which keep me sane and keep my look vaguely a look. I do not know if they are here to stay (the bangs) but for now they really help!

h u g s

My friend recently wrote a blog about how she hates to be hugged, and it re-triggered some hug "stuff" that I have been dragging around with me for years. I do not know what I wish to accomplish writing about it but here goes:

I have a very different issue--I always loved those people who would breeze into a room and just start hugging everyone! DAHLING! HUGS! momentary perfumey warm smells, downy, tide, leather jacket, shampoo, squishy smash for a second, and it is totally acceptable, for it is JUST HOW SHE IS. or SHES FROM EUROPE or SHES THE BEST and so on...this imaginary girl gets away with so much, on the premise (i am not saying it is fake) that THIS IS WHO SHE IS THIS IS HOW SHE ROLLS.

And most of my life, I have been semi pouting that nobody hugs me! I fretted that I was off-putting, tall, scary, or worse. I wanted to turn it all on its head and become that HUG girl. Then people would be forced to hug me! BWA HA HA HA so creepy, now that i type it--but im not gonna delete this, anymore than i am going to act on it. The motives are pure and genuine. Sometimes your bestest most fantastical pals seem to deserve more than the cold little "hi" you give to the guy at the gas station----am i crazy?

umm except that is so jacked, so rediculous. I never wanted to be some molester scary innapropriate monster. So I never knew when to all of a sudden implement this new plan. And so I didnt.

I would say about 1/2 of my friends give off a strong vibe that they would not like me to hug them. (dont you all feel paranoid now, this goes back to like middle school) I try not to take it personally. Reading my friend's blog entry about her personal space, I almost swung the other way and wondered if I should never hug anyone.

I am on a final quest and destiny of Joy, which entails being the authentic me. SO I think I will continue to follow my intuition and hug when I really just gotta. I do love so many of my friends, and sometimes they are so great I just want to SQUASH them, if only for a moment. So please, feel as free to gimme a nice smashy hug as you are to say NO TOUCHY! PAWS OFF!

After the performance

Saturday night I went to see my friend Blair perform his dramatic work "Burying the Evidence". It changed my life.

My life has been walking along the balance-beam for years now. On the right side was the youth, the falsehoods, the impressions, the image-maintence, pleasing mommy, pleasing others, never being able to, etc. On the left side of the beam lay Truth, Unhindered Living, Love, and Freedom.

This show shoved me off of the left side of the beam, HARD. I needed it!

How do I tell him that? Do I need to? How do I tell everyone that I am all different now?

I will simply live it, I can do nothing else.

Okay, can I just say this: I love my new wardrobe, like, a whole lot!

Can it really be called a new wardrobe? Does the word WARDROBE sound like some glorious free-standing wooden dresser-thing into which one might, say, crawl into and through the back of and meet Pegasusses or Pegusii or at least a wizard or something? Oh well., to me it is a wardrobe.

I got:
One long super skirt greens and yellows from this precious guy who makes them himself on www.muddypeople.com

New green mary Janes
3 pairs of stripey socks
One long sleeved black TShirt
One long sleeved green Tshirt
One long sleeved HOME SCHOOL IS LOVE Tshirt that I made myself on Cafepress! Yippee!
One green "robe" sweater
One black "robe" sweater

And i got rid of all sorts of unflattering grody blob-clothes. I try to lay off the white tube socks, and have even started doing sassy things like wearing matching (YES ME!) barrettes to the socks to the ponytail holders! I tell ya! WARDROBE.

Also my hair is now more like this

and less like this



OK I am happier because I feel like when i look in the mirror it is "me" way more than before. Also there has been a bit of a setback--- the drier broke and now I have to wear a bit of grody stuff while my cool stuff takes its sweet time drying over the backs of chairs and such. Le Sigh.